Jane is a writer currently living in Victoria BC. She grew up in Toronto and also spent many years in Calgary where, among other things, she taught Women's Studies at Mount Royal College (now Mount Royal University). Her work is about women on the brink of transformation.
I’m fixing up my website with the help of my friend and website wizard, Lou Morin. As part of this overwhelming (to me) task, I’ve had reason to dig into my blog. Wow. There’s a lot of stuff there. And it’s pretty random. But that’s the way it is. To slightly misquote Walt Whitman, we all contain multitudes.
I’ve decided to categorize a whole bunch of random as “First Person.” First Person posts are wee ideas I’m noodling around, minor ramblings, occasional rants but also full blown essays. I’ve been writing about feminism forever, That won’t stop. And I notice that I write a lot about grief, recovery and finding joy. These are all good topics. There’s everything from Helen Reddy to George Orwell in there. I wrote some especially good stuff with a lot more detail pre-concussion. It makes me wonder if I should concentrate on essays for a while.
There will still be events and book info and posts about writing, but I hope to start posting more regularly in the First Person category. I don’t have a schedule and write when I’m inspired (and often, when irked).
If you’d like to follow along, please subscribe. The link is on my home page. When I figure out how, I’ll add it here too.
Fires near Kelowna BC. Photo Credit: The Canadian Press.
British Columbia, the province in which I live, has just issued fire-zone travel bans in response to unprecedented wildfires. Evacuations are underway. Non-emergency vehicles are not needed on the roads while people try to escape to somewhere else.
I wonder: how long will any of us be travelling anymore?
I am disinclined to fly anywhere anymore. At least not for pleasure. (But seriously, the pleasure of flying ended a long time ago. Cramped, uncomfortable seats, intolerable security lines, unexplained delays, and so much more have made flying an experience to get through rather than one to enjoy.) For me, the end of masking made flying dangerous to my health. It’s a grand opportunity to catch SARS-CoV-2. A recent study found over 80% of US flights had Omicron RNA in the wastewater, and the number of people coughing or otherwise visibly ill on the two flights I have taken since the start of the pandemic easily convinced me that flying is a bad idea for me unless absolutely necessary.
I took those two flights wearing a respirator and carrying a personal air purifier.
Me, waiting for a flight in November 2022. Funny/Not funny story. I was in the Air Canada Lounge and this woman not 15 feet away from me was having her snack and complaining to her friend that she didn’t even know why she was eating because she couldn’t taste anything. She said, ”Isn’t that weird?” No. Not so much weird as it is SARS-C0V-2. I moved to the other side of the lounge, where, likely, someone else had it too.
By 2019 standards, I looked ridiculous. By pandemic standards, I look just fine, at least to me. (Although I also look disastrously tired in this photo. It had been a long and difficult trip. And I can tell you, people stared.)
What constitutes absolutely necessary? For me, the two air travel trips I have taken since the start of the pandemic were to prevent looming family crises. The thing is, we’ve come of age at a time when it is typical to live far away from family, and I do. Air travel made it possible to live like this and still be involved. Sometimes, I will have to travel by air if we want to be in touch on vital family matters. For me, I have decided this is necessary.
If I’m going, if I’m going to burn up all that carbon, I’ll make the absolute most of it. I combined the first trip with a book tour. To be clear, I would not have taken the book tour to Toronto if there also hadn’t been important family matters to attend to.
A vacation with air travel is a whole other thing. I can’t justify it anymore.
This summer, my partner and I drove our hybrid vehicle on our vacation as we camped and visited friends. Nothing is perfect, you know? Driving is better than flying. But it’s not great. There’s no holier than thou going on here. (One of my new favourite expressions is ”granolier than thou.”) I am by no means the person who lives an exemplary life. Like all of us, I’m struggling to learn how to live in our new pandemicene era. I’m just sharing one of my own personal decisions, a judgement I made for myself—not for others.
It’s a privilege to travel in so many ways, one which I acknowledge and am grateful to have had. I am giving up a privilege. I’m not giving up clean water. But it’s also not like giving up turnips, which I do not like. That would be easy to do. I’m giving up possibility. I’m giving up something with positive associations. It’s been a long journey to first recognize and then deal with the new negative associations. And the airline industry hasn’t helped. I would get daily offers from Air Canada and Aeroplan in my inbox. I finally unsubscribed.
And what about driving? Some of the areas of BC that we travelled through by car this summer are now, just a few weeks later, ablaze. Our road trip did not help. I’m grappling with that. Earlier this summer, I read a news story about planes full of tourists continuing to land in Greece even though the country was in a state of emergency because of wildfires. A sister of a friend is flying to Maui in September. It just feels bad to me. It feels bad for me. It is not something I would do. Again, I make that judgement for myself. I’m not saying no one should ever go to Maui or Greece again. They depend on tourism. Or at least they have until now.
Now it seems they need their resources for themselves. Last November, we drove through the region where Lytton is, and there were signs asking people not to visit. Of course, we did not go there. I get it. No one needs a bunch of lookie-loos. People need to grieve, to regroup, to kick the ashes. And they don’t need me trying to buy a sandwich while they do it.
So, for now, rather than travelling in troubling times, I’ll be staying close to home. I’ll be revelling in the joys of the here and now, in the small pleasures of my glorious neighbourhood. That’s not anything to be upset about.
A box full of notes about ”Alice,” my (maybe) next book.
People ask me about my next book, and I appreciate their faith that there will be one. Such optimism! Even referring to Patterson House as my first novel is optimistic. But with recent news that appears to be pointing at the demise of the publisher of PH, I wonder.
I love writing. I love interacting with readers. I love giving readings. I love being in the company of other writers. And I love books—libraries, book stores, my own bookshelves, perusing the shelves of others! The smell of a book when I open it. It’s all great.
I do not like the business of books, particularly that awful time when I have a book complete and I am seeking a publisher. The book business is hard and getting harder.
For a long time, I searched for an agent. An agent would be helpful for me, especially given my brain injury. I need someone to handle the business of my writing. That part of the work holds me back. Agents are hard to come by. I had three close calls when I was shopping Patterson House, all with variously heartbreaking endings. So close.
Now, like so many others, I go it alone. But that’s not really true either. I have a group of incredible writing friends that I rely on for feedback, for business advice, for commiseration, for shared joy at success. I’m grateful to all of them.
Will there be a next book? Probably. I have a project I’m into that I refer to as ”Alice.” I can’t think about publication. That feels like too much right now. If a book is written and no one reads it, does it still count? I think so.
Overheard— “Yeah, this old lady lived there forever. Her garden was incredible. Like, you would stop on the sidewalk to look at it. Then she died. There was some sort of problem with the house. I don’t know. But these crack-heads moved in and it took, like, fifteen years to get them out. By then, the garden was ruined.”
I wonder— Did her garden offer a respite, a brief solace, a minute of uncomplicated pleasure, to anyone? Did someone notice the daffodils peek up from the soil in the spring, stare deep into the heart of a rhododendron, or watch a bee gather pollen? Did the scent of lilac help someone sleep? Did anyone look out to the yard through that cracked bedroom window, see a bud or a bloom or a leaf and wonder, if only for a second, how am I connected to all of this life?
‘Tis the season to be jolly. Whatever you celebrate, whether it be Solstice or Hanukah or Christmas, or anything else (including the arrival of so many extra cookies and treats) I hope you are able to find peace and contentment in the season. I’m struggling.
Maybe you are struggling too.
Many of us are keeping the holidays very differently than we used to. Some are back to big get togethers, but I suspect there is friction, a little cognitive dissonance gnawing at the edges of whatever is happening.
Me? We’re keeping a quiet holiday. Just the three of us. Daughter arrived a week ago before the storms made travel almost impossible and worked ”from home” from our home until Friday. She had been isolating the week before, tested negative (as did all of us) and we are all in it together now for another couple of days.
We are not joining the big family gathering 4000 miles away for two reasons: we were just there in November and my desire to be indoors in a large group is zero. So we had our visit in November and somehow, miraculously, managed to make it back without getting sick. We took all kinds of precautions, but we were also lucky.
I’ve been called a fear-monger on the socials. Ok. Yes, I am fearful of catching a disease we still know hardly anything about. The likelihood of getting long covid is twice that of being hurt in a car accident. If anyone is really interested, I’ll try and find the source for that figure. It stuck with me. I’m not so good with the memory stuff right now because I have a brain injury.
So yeah. I’m being careful. My ”recovery,” such as it is, has been too hard won. And incomplete, even now, almost seven years later. I can’t go back. And SARS-CoV-2 causes brain damage (among so many other things).
I miss entertaining. I used to have big parties. Big holiday things. Big non-holiday things. But those days are over for now. And I’m grieving. Much and all as I do not want to be at the family gathering, I miss the family gathering. If that makes any sense. I even miss shopping. And I hate shopping. I miss things I hated in the before times. I miss the before times.
And I’m worried about those who are gathering. Will it be another superspreader Christmas? I want to be wrong. You have no idea how much I want to be wrong.
And even though I’m safe and cozy here with my beloved husband and daughter, and so grateful, I feel a pall over everything. Sometimes I feel absolute fury. Other times I feel merely disappointed. Oh, how I’d love to be wrong. But I’m not. I want to yell from the rooftops about what it takes to keep safer, how it’s not actually that hard, how it’s worth it. But no one wants to hear that. Tonight they want to party like it’s 2019.
Ok.
So the jolly season is not so jolly for me. I’m grateful. I’m warm and loved and privileged to have a turkey in the oven as I write. But there’s an edge to it all. I’m worried sick about people who have had SARS-CoV-2 three times. Two times. Once. I’m worried about those who pretend that’s not what they have. Or had. Yeah, maybe it’s not. But maybe it is. I’m worried we aren’t testing, tracing, tracking, learning. I’m worried that public health officials have abandoned their posts and debased their positions. I’m worried.
Like all of you, I’m doing my best. So ’tis the season.
It has been a joy to tour around Canada with Patterson House. Thank you to everyone who came out to events and a special thank you to everyone who joined me as a presenter including Aritha Van Herk, Rayanne Haines, Sandra S.G. Wong, Fran Kimmel, Katherine Taylor (twice!), Elizabeth Adilman, Judy Rebick, Sally McLean and Theresa Kishkan. What a wonderful experience to be with you all! And thank you to the venues and hosts — Shelf Life Books in Calgary, Glass Bookshop in Edmonton, Studio 106 in Victoria, Another Story Book Shop in Toronto, The Beaches Branch of the Toronto Public Library, Flying Squirrel Motorcycle Club in Toronto and Massy Arts/Massy Books in Vancouver. You were all so welcoming and helpful!
Talking with readers about Patterson House has been a real treat for me. The characters have been in my own head for such a long time that talking about them now feels gossipy and fun. I love it when people tell me they couldn’t put the book down and stayed up way too late to finish it. What a compliment!
Although the book tour is over, I’ll continue to talk about Patterson House at book clubs and with whoever else wants to talk to me about it! I have a couple of interviews coming soon with Women Writers, Women’s Books and one that will be out soon in the Beaches Metro Community News. These are my people! When people from the Beach tell me I got it right, I feel very complimented.
